Summary of my last year on the computer

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's  toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when  it bites my butt.

 

Summary of my last year on the computer

 

I must send my thanks to  whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope  that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the  top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no  longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl  (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the  1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all,  but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in  their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about  my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me,  and St. Theresa's novena has  granted my every wish.

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Girlfriend VS iPhone

My boyfriend's Iphone does seem to be getting a little smudged, due to his constant, loving caresses and attention. Perhaps it needs a bath

 

iPhone VS Girlfriend

 

As I type this, my boyfriend is on the couch, napping blissfully, his Iphone nestled to his chest. I remember the distant days when I was the one who nestled there, my head resting lovingly against his shoulder, but apparently because I don't vibrate like a buzz saw every ten minutes to let him know that he's gotten an email from Sears.com with great deals for Fall savings, he's traded up.

I remember when it was my shrill, piercing voice that delighted him, but no more. I've lost my favored status, displaced by a small, rectangular device that beeps incessantly at the most inopportune times'most of which are apparently no longer inopportune! God help me if I should turn to him while he's engrossed in an episode of Two and a Half Men and say, 'I forgot to tell you about this lady I saw in the Food Lion today who was wearing hilarious pants ''I would be judiciously shushed!

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Wardrobe Malfunction

I walked over to them. They had been in the audience, and they told me how good I was and how much they liked it. They also mentioned that my costume kept falling down in one of my dances. I asked them how noticeable it was and they told me they were sitting in the audience watching with their mouths open saying, “Is it going to happen?”

 Wardrobe Malfunction

I walked slowly down the hallway placing each foot as lightly as I could on the tile to avoid the loud click of the taps as they slapped the floor with every step. I could hear the music start. The song boomed out into the hallway, “You have to understand the way I am, Mein Herr. A tiger is a tiger, not a lamb. Mein Herr.”

Damn it. I’m missing it. I quickened my pace, but my feet began to slide forward throwing me off balance. I held my arms out to steady myself and regaining my balance returned back to my slow pace. I passed two girls in hot pink tank tops and black capri’s with hot pink sashes tied around their hair. 

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Ayam, jagung dan orang gila

Alkisah ada orang gila yg mengira dirinya tuh jagung jadi dia takut banget sama ayam karena takut banget di makan. tiap kali liat ayam dia pasti lari terbirit2. akhirnya, orang gila ini dimasukin ke rumah sakit jiwa.
Setahun… dua tahun.. tiga tahun… akhirnya dia dipanggil oleh sang dokter.

“kamu sudah tau sekarang kamu ini siapa?” kata si dokter.

“sudah dokter,” sahut si orang gila

“jadi kamu ini siapa?”

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You Can Hypnotize Anybody

I hypnotized some friends recently to purchase my wife and I dinner at a very expensive restaurant. I did this just for fun and I let them in on the secret later as to what I had done and they were amuzed and they were under the impression that they wanted to pay for dinner even though I mentioned to them before we got to the restaurant that it was my treat and that it was not open for discussion.

You Can Hypnotize Anybody

It does not take a NASA scientist to hypnotize somebody. It most cases it is a mere suggestion that when suggested to another person action is taken.

I have laerned some tips and techniques from the top ten hypnotists in the worls and found that I can can get people to almost anything I want. I can get them to believe in things that do not exist or even drop the price on an item that I want to purchase by mere sugestion and by controlling my facial expressions and my voice.

The power of suggestion. You may have heard this before,well it really does work if you know how to unleash this power that alomost everyone posesses. The gevernment has been using it for years and individuals that are very successful have been using it as well.

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Ayah, Sex itu Apa?

Suatu pagi seorang anak yang baru masuk sekolah dasar bertanya kepada ayahnya :

  ‘Yah…….. ayah….. ….sex itu apa sih, yah…..?’ 

Terperanjat si ayah mendengar pertanyaan si upik. Terbayang dia tentang arus modern zaman sekarang yang membuat manusia berfikiran terbuka, termasuk anak yang masih kecil. Sesuai dengan konsep pendidikan seks yang sedang hangat dibicarakan, mulailah si ayah mencari-cari jawaban yang sesuai dengan umur dan harapan anaknya yang ia harapkan tak mau tertinggal dalam arus pendidikan modern.

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ALLAH’s LOVE

ALLAH’s LOVE 

 

The best cosmetics
4 lips
is
TRUTH
For Voice
is
PRAYER
For the Eyes
is

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My Heart

Romantic Sms: My Heart 

 

I have a heart n that is true,
But now it has gone from me to you,
So care for it just like I do,
Because I have no heart n U have two.

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Jokes Are Better In Context

Jokes Are Better In Context

Have you ever attempted to give some kind of a joke, for example at the beginning of a presentation, only to have it fall on what seems like terribly deaf ears? You are not alone. Depending on the context or the particular audience to which the humor is directed, very different results can occur.

Suppose you are in a very stuffy business meeting with very formal attire and a strict adherence to the protocol of the day. In this instance, you would be shooting yourself in the foot if you were to attempt any kind of low-brow or slapstick jokes of any kind. It simply will not work because of the fact that everyone in the audience is already in a very tense frame of mind and nobody will want to seem unprofessional by laughing or encouraging the joke teller.

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Similarities Between Teen-Agers And Senior Citizens

Similarities Between Teen-Agers And Senior Citizens

 

All around us, everyday, there are two groups of people that many believe to be different. Not so! Teen-agers and Seniors have a lot in common. If it's accidentally putting their shoe on the wrong foot or putting their foot in their mouth, there are instances of conduct that are very similar in both groups.

For example:

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A Curious Contraception

 A Curious Contraception

It was only the other day that I learnt that the first recorded use of contraception was in 2000BC by the Egyptians. I can't say why I learned the fact, just as I can't fathom out why I still know the words to "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" thirty years or so after its release. These things seep into the brain and stick like chewing gum to a sock there to annoy one for all time. But try to remember to take the cake out of the oven or to pick up your sunglasses off the chemist's counter… not a hope in hell.

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Too Many Lawyers in America

Too Many Lawyers in America

There are too many lawyers in America and they are everywhere. 500,000 more graduating from Law School this year; in fact there are more lawyers graduating from Law School on their way to sue good honest Americans on their way to their first million than the total number of homeless folks in the United States. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Shouldn't we help the homeless and give them a skill and education and send the Lawyers begging on the street?

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Car Insurance Doesn't Have to be Boring

Check it Out! Car Insurance Doesn't Have to be Boring!

All right, we can admit it. Car insurance can be boring! There's a reason the latest rate changes or policy tweaks aren't typical dinner table conversation. Unless you're shopping for a new insurance policy or tracking changes in the industry you'd probably rather be talking about this summer's hottest blockbusters. The good news is, car insurance doesn't have to be boring. In fact, if you spend enough time reading through the car insurance claims submitted by some drivers you might find out it's downright hilarious! Here's a sneak peek at some of the funniest car insurance claims submitted by real drivers and located around the web. The next time you're looking for a chuckle at a party whip one of these out. It works every time. The World's Funniest Car Insurance Quotes :

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Family Guy Vs Palin

Laughing at the Lighter Side of Life: Family Guy Vs Palin

There have been very few shows which have been able to hold their own like Family Guy against a wave of controversies that has been hurled towards them ever since the show's inception. An animated take on the modern American family of today, the lead character of the show features Peter Griffin- a fat, lazy, unintuitive husband with an average job who goes more by the heart than his head. Presented in stark contrast is his wife Lois- the attractive, logically thinking wife representing the fantasy of all American males.

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2010 Yearly and Monthly Horoscopes

2010 Yearly and Monthly Horoscopes - It's Important for You?

Horoscopes are forecast related to everyone's life. The year 2010 is in front of you so the 2010 horoscopes will be very beneficial to you all if you want to know about your carrier, personal life, professional life, health and financial status. Each of you wants to know about future and the events that might affect your daily life. When you leave the previous year and make yourself to welcome the New Year, you want to know what is going to happen in your life in the coming year. The 2010 horoscopes are for you to know the year 2010 that can bring changes in every aspect of your life.

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Komputer masa depan

Seseorang insinyur baru saja berhasil menciptakan sebuah komputer baru. Insinyur itu bermaksud menjual hak patennya kepada sebuah perusahaan komputer. Direktur perusahaan itu masih muda. Untuk memperlihatkan kemampuan komputernya itu, ia meminta direktur itu mengajukan sebuah pertanyaan.

“Baik,” kata direktur muda itu. Ia duduk lalu mengetik, ‘DIMANA AYAHKU?’

Tak lama kemudian keluarlah jawaban, ‘AYAHMU SEDANG MEMANCING DI TORONTO’.

“Komputer payah,” kata direktur itu, “ayahku telah meninggal 20 tahun lalu!” Tapi insinyur itu tetap yakin dengan kemampuan komputernya. “Cobalah anda tanya dengan cara lain,” usulnya.

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Diary suami tentang istri tercinta

Senin :
Seseorang mencuri semua kartu kredit milik saya, tapi saya tidak melaporkannya. Maling itu tidak menguras uang sebanyak istri saya.

Selasa :
Saya bertanya kepada istri,”Sayang, tempat mana yang terbaik untuk merayakan hari ulang tahun pernikahan kita?” Dia menjawab, “Cobalah tempat yang belum pernah saya kunjungi.” Nah, malam itu saya mengajaknya ke dapur.

Rabu :
Kalo bepergian, kami selalu bergandengan tangan. Hari ini saya lepaskan tangannya, tau-taunya dia malah ngacir ke Sogo.

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Istri yang hilang

Setelah berolah raga scuba diving bersama, seorang suami kehilangan pasangannya dan melaporkan ke pihak polisi pantai. Polisi yang mengusutnya ternyata baru berhasil menemukan istri bapak tersebut setelah lebih dari 24 jam tenggelam.

Polisi : “Kami berhasil menemukan istri bapak dan membawa kabar buruk dan baik mengenai istri Bapak.”

Suami : “Tolong sebutkan kabar buruknya saja terlebih dahulu!”

Polisi : “Istri Bapak ternyata hanyut dan terbawa arus sampai di dasar laut yang cukup dalam dan baru bisa diangkat besok.”

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Saya bersedia melakukan apapun yang bapak mau

Seorang mahasiswi seksi yang terancam gagal ujian mendatangi kantor dosennya yang masih muda. Dia melirik ke sekililingnya sebentar, menutup pintunya, dan langsung berlutut di hadapan sang dosen sambil memohon...
 

“Pak Dosen, Saya bersedia melakukan apapun juga agar lulus ujian….”, ujarnya sambil melirik genit.
Lalu sang mahasiswi mendekat ke arah dosennya, menyibakkan rambutnya, menatap matanya penuh arti. 

“Kalau Bapak masih belum mengerti maksud saya…” bisiknya, “Saya bersedia melakukan apapun, apa saja yang Bapak mau…”

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Kisah Seorang Suami dan Istrinya

Melihat hal itu istrinya langsung memarahi sambil memaki-maki pak Dahlan karena sudah menembak kuda satu-satunya sehingga mereka tidak bisa melanjutkan perjalanannya. Belum habis marah sang istri, pak Dahlan langsung menyela dengan mengatakan “satu !!!”.

Seorang Suami yang biasanya di panggil dengan sebutan pak Dahlan dan istrinya adalah pasangan suami istri yang rukun, mereka tidak pernah kelihatan bertengkar meskipun mereka sudah berumah tangga sekitar 60 tahun. Istrinya sangat penurut, apa-apa yang diminta dan disuruh oleh suaminya selalu dilaksanakan tanpa ada bantahan barang sedikitpun dari istrinya. Sedangkan pak Dahlan dikenal sebagai seorang yang sangat sabar.

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Cara Cepat Memanggil Istri

Lelaki : ” Iya karena itulah Saya minta seorang wanita muda, cantik untuk ngobrol dengan Saya sebab biasanya istri Saya akan muncul entah dari mana kalau melihat saya dekat wanita cantik”

Seorang laki-laki muda tampak kebingungan di tengah sebuah pameran. Beberapa kali ia mondar-mandir dan
celingukan tak ditemui apa yang dicari. Melihat kebingungan lelaki ini, satpam pun menghampiri dan menanyakan apa yang dicari.

Lelaki : ” Saya mencari istri Saya yang tadi bersama Saya terus hilang di tengah pameran ini, Pak. ”

Satpam : ” Ciri-cirinya gimana, biar Saya bantu cari ?”

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Curhatan Cowok ke Cewek

Kami bukan anak kecil lagi, jadi tak perlu mengingatkan jangan lupa makan, selamat tidur, dll. Menurut kami itu hanyalah pemborosan pulsa saja. Kalau bisa, ngomongin apa yang harus kamu omongin pas iklan aja. Ingat, jangan sekali2 ngomong apalagi pas saat tendangan finalty..

Dibawah ini merupakan ungkapan ataupun curhatan cowok kepada cewek yang akan membuat anda tersenyum dan akan menghilangkan kejenuhan anda hari ini, selamat membacanya.!

1. Tidak Semua cowok seperti Dedy Cobuzer. Jadi jangan harap kami bisa membaca isi pikiranmu disaat kamu manyun tanpa suara. Apa susahnya sih bilang : “Aku Laper, Aku minta dibeliin pakaian, Tolong Rayu Aku…!!”
2. Hari Minggu itu waktunya istirahat setelah 6 hari bekerja, jadi jangan harap kami mau menemani seharian jalan2 ke mall.
   

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